Right now, I am steaming on my front porch. I caved and bought some lovely vintage patio furniture and it's comfy and it's a beautiful night. I have incense burning and I'm drinking wine and I'm finally fucking writing something to y'all. This is my libra full moon. This is how I'm holding space for all the changes that have taken place since last October. So, bear with me. I have no idea what's about to emerge.
I do know somethings. I know I'm struggling with anger. I know I'm tired a lot of the time and have had a hard run at feeling myself inside myself. Often, this job has me in highly charged emotional situations brought on by customers, by friends, by my peers who inhabit the space. While I do love being a caregiver and having a dedicated space where I give care to this family I'm building around the shop, it's really hard to know when my spoons are out.
I'm a more naturally high energy person and that makes it feel okay to give energy away to others. I feel like I have extra reserves. But, day in day out, I'm giving a lot to my community and not hardly enough to myself. I feel it. I'm realizing it. I don't know how I'll change it other than do more of this? More writing? More porch sitting when I need some time to veg? Exercise is helpful so I'm glad the weather has turned and I can live on my bike again. It's when I don't handle it that the minor frustrations of owning a business begin to feel catastrophic, and I get angry.
I'm angry a lot but it's not my ideal form. I like fake raging about things to people I'm close to
--saying the very worst thing I can imagine to do about situations or people as a means of NOT ACTUALLY DOING THAT THING. I'm not gonna pee on anyone, I'm not going to cut anyone's head off, I'm not going to burn down the house of the two specific individuals causing me the most grief currently. But, talking about it helps me feel better, and then I navigate my way to some better, healthier solution. I'm a fairly good communicator, but some people don't care to communicate and just want to wave their power around like some giant purple dildo. AHEM.
That's the thing about having this little piece of the pie. When you own something, a business, property, etc, people think that you've like leveled up. A lot of people think I'm super financially stable now HA. I'm not even close. I'm fortunate to be able to blow money on patio furniture this month, but that's not every month and I do feel guilty about every personal purchase because that could have gone into the shop. But, that's the spoons too. If having this pretty front porch makes me feel good then why THE FUCK not?
THE MEAT: Look y'all. I've signed on for a heck of a lot and I'm doing it--somehow?--and no one has died and we are coming up on one year of the shop being open. What the hell is time? But, this year isn't just the shop. I'm a VP on the Indy Pride Board, I'm the President of the Irvington Business Association, and I'm also trying to like feed myself on a normal schedule and maybe date? When I'm all chipper, I need more people to realize what kind of effort that can take. It's not that I don't want to see my friends, it's just that I'm very bad about asking for help and being transparent about my needs. The shop complicates that because it is a shelter. It's my church and it's your church too if you need it. I will always give a hundred percent to the shop and the people who make it a home. But, if I need to take a night off of everything else and be by myself, sitting on patio furniture then I'm going to do that too.