Recently, I returned home from the gym feeling pretty good. I made dinner for my partner and his friend who were making music in the office and I was struck by the pattern of behavior I seem to keep repeating. Over the course of the last year, I've sincerely been checking myself and trying to catch myself in patterns--to determine which are positive for me and which are negative. I'm the kind of person that when overwhelmed, I take the path of least resistance, which means I repeat patterns like I'm bashing my head against a wall. But, if I think back on the last year, where I was now, I see myself at Dorman street every night, getting blasted as a means of "dealing with stress." I know I need physical activity to keep my spirits up, and instead I was choosing alcohol.
Now, don't get me wrong, I still choose alcohol sometimes. I don't hang out at Dorman as much anymore (not that my pool game has suffered any) but I do hang out at J Clydes. I still don't got to the gym as often as I wish I would. And I still occasionally get wine drunk at home, BUT BUT BUT, where my mind is--that's completely different.
That's what I'm getting hung up on.
Yesterday I had a mood where I was capital A Angry. I couldn't shake it. I wanted to kick the head in of every person that spoke to me in a negative way. When I got off work, I went to Clydes. It was less about alcohol and more about seeing the community of pals that make me feel normal. In a way, J Clydes feels more homey to me than Dorman ever did. There's no pool table and no patio but the people there make me feel loose and happy and like I just unzipped my fly after a very filling meal.
As it turns out, choosing the right people to surround yourself and to share your energy with makes a big big difference in stress. I didn't realize this and up until May was still giving parts of my time, heart, and energy to people who gave absolutely nothing back. Sometimes, I forget that I have authority. As an autonomous body, we all retain authority over ourselves, our time, and our spoons. That means you as much as it means me. I have authority over what methods I use to cope with exhaustion, stress, and depression. Sometimes I don't make the best decisions for my body but I've finally starting to make the best decisions for my heart.
Now that I've navigated how to care for myself everyday, how to say "no," I have to figure out how to be consistent with my routine and my money and my time. Being consistent is incredibly difficult when *as I mentioned before* I feel stress I go for what's comfortable. Building comforting moments into my daily life is key. I don't want to stop going out, because I like drinking and I love my friends and I almost never do it in such excess that my work suffers. But, I love physical activity! I'm looking to get back into circus performance and making that a regular part of my routine. Just going to the gym is pretty nice but it's not exactly what I want. I need to feel like I'm about to die, to feel the flurry of adrenaline that tells me I risked. I'm too intense for my own good y'all. I'm not about to work on that though. It's honestly one of the things I love about myself the most. I'm more determined than anything to be unique and to give something huge back to the world. I LOVE YOU PEOPLE and I want to put my intensity to work for YOU. I also don't want to burn out. Now that I have a platform and space and I'm working on why and how I choose to be involved, I feel so much more capable to pick goals and dreams that I can actually follow through on.
The only thing I wish I could change at this point is my attention to being *DETERMINED* when I come up with an idea. I need to spend more time researching, building, and questioning. I have a huge tendency to talk an ENORMOUS talk about something I feel passionate about that I'm pursuing WAY BEFORE that thing is clearly and definitely a thing. That has happened with a lot of my BIG IDEAS recently and that's a bummer but what I want people to realize is that I absolutely have to put that much energy and excitement into ideas in order to get them motoring! I want the idea to be permanent (or at least as permanent as my language makes it sound)! Someone I love once said, "Build in silence." But it's not a thing I've figured out how to do yet. I'm trying though. I have something very exciting in the works that I think actually will pan out. I need to dedicate somewhere around 2 business days to work on this project
FINGERS CROSSED I get it off the ground because it's gonna be really awesome. Over and out peeps. This has been a transmission from Clydes. I'm learning and living every day. I hope you are too!