ON NOT SMOKING

Over the last 10 years, I've been a smoker. Of course, I didn't really consider myself a smoker until about a year ago, when I bought the shop and escalated to a pack a day. I started because I was in love with a smoker, and because I wanted to "get dead all cool." I mean, it never really seemed like a big deal. Some people die from smoking and some people don't. I'd always had that mentality like maybe I'd never have any repercussions you know?--perhaps because I was young? Some of you will shake your heads and laugh, say I'm still young. But, I've been smoking for 10 YEARS. That's nuts.

So I'm not smoking, partially because I fell in love with a non-smoker. But, also because I realized how much it was affecting me. I've been trying to quit off and on for a year. I legitimately felt that I wouldn't be able to. I'd say that my life is too stressful, that every time I felt like I was going to be able to just let it go, something terrible would happen. But, the reality is, everything is an excuse to smoke. When you want to smoke cigarettes, when you're addicted, you will find a *reason* to need it.

But, I don't. I'm clearer headed than I've been in a long time. I feel my energy levels are higher. I'm managing my blood sugar better. I don't have pins and needles in my feet and hands as regularly. Quitting isn't easy. Just now, just while writing this I smelled cigarette smoke and immediately craved one. After a very positive meeting this morning the success made me want a cigarette which was a strange change of pace. Usually failure or stress moves me into craving nicotine. Lately, I've been having dreams about smoking. They have happened when my bf is sleeping next to me and I think are largely guilt related. I'd hate to let him down (I'd hate even more to let me down) but you understand I bet. When I wake up and realize I didn't actually smoke and that it was just a dream, I'm so relieved.

It's nice to be on this path. I'm saving money and I'm getting the full range of my voice back. I'm looking forward to being able to have a baby one day without having to factor quitting smoking into that whole thing. I'm also looking forward to restarting aerial silks when I've made it to a month of no cigarettes. If I seem more scattered than usual or even more intense (is that possible?) keep in mind I'm going through it. But, one week down, only the rest of my life to go.