NOTHING LASTS FOREVER AND EVERYTHING DIES
Entropy. It's both physical and emotional--the concept that the energy in our universe is always moving towards disorder, pulling apart from itself. If nothing has ever ended for you, get off this blog. But chances are, if you're reading this, or are simply alive, you've probably experienced a little disorder in life and the end of something.
Fresh flowers. They last like a week and I always feel guilty about the waste, but once on acid I found myself stomping around yelling, what is it to be alive if we can't kill the grass with our big fat feet? I AM A MURDERER OF LIVING STUFF and I am living stuff--how wild. So now I buy fresh flowers. Whatever. Sure, loss, death, the end--they all suck. But action begets action. You too are a player in the entropy game. I buy fresh flowers despite my guilt because I know that we are all on an enormous rock en route to disaster. It's one of many small gestures I make against my own death, watching the flowers die first and cherishing their brief existence for my pleasure. This is what we have in life, a lot of little deaths and a lot of waiting.
Love. Relationships are hard, man. We all know that. But I've recently realized something important. The last month has brought with it the opening of my shop, a beautiful mess and my very own ship. I'm learning a lot. Each day is different from the last and thank god because I'm bored so easily. This month also brought the end of a relationship--but a very important one. It's my first adult break-up, the kind that never happens, where both parties see the logic in the loss, admit it, cry, hug, and become friends. There's always been some sort of toxicity present in the end of my relationships. A pebble of guilt or a whole mud pile or a burned city. This time, we just felt the change together and our battle against entropy is the continued choice to be kind to each other, despite the grief, and to support each other's growth even if it's in a new direction.
A career change. THE SHOPPPP THE SHIPPPP. Seriously. This is the biggest most ridiculous thing I've ever done and who am I now? No. I mean who am I for real? Thank you to people like Josie of Rabble who've reached out to me and offered support during this dizzying transition. To speak on entropy, taking on this challenge is another way I pull too. As the kind of person who only seeks success if it's uphill, running a business makes a lot of sense. But, I had no idea what it all entailed. I can do the buying, math, talking on the phone, emails, niceties with customers. Other parts are coming less easily. Maintaining the balance of the store for example. I want to serve so many different types of people, but my space is limited. I'm working my hardest to listen to every one of you that comes inside, making mental notes of as much as I can. Buzzing at this frequency is I think perfect for me but a new kind of living. Here's where I get to the main point of this whole ramble.
The fight against entropy is just constant movement. It pulls, you pull. We all have to make more decisions. Decide to move a step, then decide to move another. Decide to embrace the darkness that bleeds into the edges. Decide to be the cool uncle, the dork with the snort, the loud loud person, the lover of all things cute and cuddly; decide and pursue. Even if it's a few wobbly steps, you're still moving--just the way everything continues to whether we like it or not. Those steps give you just a little bit of leverage, the illusion of control
--an illusion that's truly yours to take and throw over your shoulder in hours of need.
xxx