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So I'm aching. I did something horrible to my shoulder playing pool or doing stupid back-bends or having sex idk. And I was about to go to bed feeling a little guilty because I promoted my "funny" blog today but I've only been writing about seasonal depression lately--so here I am. A little wine drunk and ready to give these swirling thoughts a go. First things first. DATING IS CRAZY MAN.

I did something new recently and actually took my own advice after a dating situation went laughably, horribly awry last week. I was at this monthly writing workshop I organize and the speaker issued a prompt suggesting we focus our writing on something that steamed us up or made us feel any really intense emotion. Of course I chose to get steamed up because that is my specialty and wrote about this guy I'd been seeing who was really grinding my gears.

My poem was called, "The Explainer" and it was about going on dates with him and having to sit silently for like thirty minutes at a time while he explained how to avoid smoke inhalation or whatever--he's in fire school and while I love a uniform I couldn't hack the explaining. There was another red flag. He seemed to have this really old fashioned mindset about family. Although I have a family oriented part of me, I don't want to be a mother in a traditional sense at all. I've honestly no idea how I feel about motherhood at this point in my life other than I'd like the experience of being pregnant but maybe don't want to rear children in a nuclear wasteland and/or lose my freedom to a tiny narcissist. But he kind of tried to read me? and insisted my views aligned with his... it was all weird and this is TMI because here's THE MEAT:

During the workshop, I took a smoke break with my friend and began telling a story of going on a date with this fireman and how he literally brought a textbook, when HE ACTUALLY SHOWED UP BEHIND ME WHAT?? and overheard me talking shit. Now, no one deserves to overhear you talking shit about them--that much I cop to. But, the cosmic extremity of this situation made me feel that an equally balanced and thoughtful reaction was in order so instead of g h o s t i n g which is my MO, I called him as soon as I got home. Now here's the little bit of my own advice, or rather something my twin sis taught me that I've never actually done but told other people to do at least three times: I "exit interviewed" the fireman.

I simply said, "hey sorry that really sucked of me but do you want to know what I was saying and why I no longer want to go on dates with you?" I suggested it was for science's sake. And he said yeah. Basically, I told him the above and it actually went over really well. I knew we'd be capable of a respectful convo which made things easier but yeah, he even told me what his red flag had been about me and he hit a long standing nail on the head. I can be wicked manipulative because I always try to gather data from people and position myself accordingly rather than acting in the moment. Anyways, the point of this ramble is to take the dang time. It's totally shitty to break things off with someone but as a person who could probably write it off on her taxes after this past year, it's better if when you see something, you just fucking say something.

xxx I need to go think about my crush and fall asleep to some billie holiday

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