IN AN EMOTIONAL BUNKER
To start: many thanks to the folks who read this and encourage me. I wouldn't be hammering away at these keys if Molly Jane didn't send me a text this morning to say she was looking forward to the next post because I've been so insular lately. Insular is my new favorite word. Btws, sorry to the ppl I see on a regular basis because it's on my tongue so often now. But as I told her, I'm in this emotional bunker. After talking with MJ, I asked myself what the trigger for my mood has been. She'd said something interesting, a suggestion that this mood has been happening since my most recent relationship (another 2 month long sitch for the books, a trend for 2017 I guess).
She's right. It dredged up a lot of feelings from my past and while I thought I'd handled the breakup/situation really well that doesn't mean I was handling the associated feelings that well. This month is a landmark of my personal myth and a recent one at that. This time last year, I was feeling all sorts of turmoil trying to make a decision to change my life. I'd just started this blog and rediscovered my passion for my career after coming out of a months long depression. But, my relationship was spiraling down the drain.
The thing is, I've never been that strong in relationships. I think that I wouldn't have had the power to change my life on my own, if a situation with my ex hadn't forced my hand. Although I'm sure she'd have broken things off eventually, I'm glad I got out when I did. The timing couldn't have been better. I was able to move in with my father. A dear friend gave me a freelancing job to help keep me afloat; and my mom and step dad helped me get my finances in order before I landed the job of my dreams and moved to Indy (the anniversary of me moving here is the end of Feb--WOW).
But, the meat is that I'm basically just processing a lot right now. My past is on my mind and nostalgic mementos are surfacing everywhere. My energy is dragging and honestly, people won't stop coming out of the wood work to ask a lot of me. Whether it's old flames with innocuous text messages, new responsibilities to nurture, darling friends with emotional needs and worries, or work work work, I'm just busy. To my friends, don't fret about me. You don't often see me alone and that's ok but that doesn't mean I don't need space.
Lastly, I made this joke recently that I woke up on the new year at least 30% meaner than last year and I say this with good intentions. I don't do enough to shield my own energy from people or ideas that drain me and I often give my energy to situations that I haven't thought enough about and end up regretting it. Consider January my reboot and know I'm not continuing this trend.
P.S. Sorry to regular readers for repeating myself and I'm sure things will get more interesting soon. We're still coming out of Mercury retrograde (retroshade :/ lol) as we're still in the planet's shadow. Tomorrow is the last day of this and then I've got a bit more recovering to do before I'll be on the social roster again and get my spice back. But rest assured, I will get my spice back.