ON BASHING THE RELATIONSHIP ARCHETYPE
Join me on the struggle bus, dear readers, things are about to get bumpy!
It's Monday and I've got things to do and people to see and my oh my, I need my brain in its socket. Yet here I am swooning with girl brain. I thought I could slog through it with a few rounds of gushing at work but I'm stuck in another one of my classic Elysia predicaments.
Last night I went on an excellent date. Layer on the chemistry and losing track of time and so much wonderful, intuitive conversation and you have a recipe for some major analysis on my part. What made it all so great? What did I like about this person? Are they going to become a jerk suddenly? etc. Even though I have to write this sick ass blog post about GoT for work, I've got to puzzle this first before everything about me is soup.
1. This sweet charmer asked thoughtful questions during our conversation, demonstrating care and attention to detail.
2. They respected my boundaries.
3. They let me guide the evening and were an enthusiastic participant.
4. They are a talented kisser.
5. They were transparent about their thoughts, feelings, and expectations during our time together and at no point did I feel confused, nervous, or embarrassed.
Phew. It all sounds really nice, doesn't it?
The point of this post isn't to talk about some honey-eyed honey though. It's the analysis. Something came up in our conversation that gave me hope about relationship dynamics (whether with this individual or whomever in my future). We discussed how people in relationships tend to fall into archetypal roles regarding their behaviors, daily habits, responses to stress etc. Sometimes life can be really chaotic and people can turn to their relationships for balance and structure and routine: but I'm not sure relationships are made to handle that. They're organic and ever-changing. Putting rigid expectations of what a "relationship" needs to do to support you is dangerous for the dynamic and also unhealthy. I can speak from my own experiences facing depression in a relationship just this time last year.
I was waitressing, miserable, unconnected to any type of art scene (which is where I tend to feel the most useful), and had little to no resources to change the outlook of my future. Every night, I came home and drank between 1 and 1.5 bottles of wine, smoked, took a bath, and watched police procedurals. I didn't communicate about my feelings because I didn't want to admit how stuck I felt and instead I relied on my partner to just read my mind and try to "understand" what I was going through without any insight from me. It wasn't a fair burden to place on the relationship--which was already rocky before my career stagnated.
When I was talking with my date last night, we seemed to really be on the same page about communication. They agreed that roles can be dynamic and fluid in relationships, that people can work together and support each other and still pursue their individual goals, but that this is made possible through communication and transparency. Gah! It's been so hard to find a person that shares this value and is someone I feel comfortable with. Last night was cathartic and reassuring if anything and right now I'm trying to put my girl brain to bed on that thought.
If this wonderful evening of dialogue and kissing fades, at least I can't say nothing came from it. My long sought after vision of a working communicative relationship was at least validated.
Indianapolis runs me so ragged sometimes. I think what I want is possible here but sometimes I feel like I'm chasing my tail. I'm trying to be more grateful for the nights where I feel present and happy and tingly.