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I've awoken twice now under a wave of nostalgia. Yesterday was the first day I felt fall's sweet spider legs brushing my cheek and to top that off, I hung out on the fountain with some old Muncie friends and then saw Sleeping Bag play (one of my faves from Muncie days despite only going to shows with friends and not really listening. I got into SB in graduate school actually when I was feeling deeply lonely and missing my pals.) The show was amazing but also felt oddly Muncie because I used to get myself into these horrible and terribly libra situations and one of those happened last night.

*as always for you creeps out there: all initials for names are arbitrary.*

Because I'm so social, and sexually active, in Muncie I'd end up trapped in rooms with like three to five people I'd fucked. Mostly I'd just avoid them all and focus on whatever new conquest was on my mind etc. But, when that happened last night: literally a guy who ghosted me for two weeks after a date, the boy that I tried to date for two months this summer, and someone who'd been vying for my affections for a long time, anyways, last night, well. I didn't panic in the moment but I'm panicking now.

I wish I could just be centered in myself, without feeling all I have to keep moving and trying out things until I die. I'm addicted to finding the "Right Person" for me and the "Right Situations" etc which means I totally miss out on the real moments and end up lost in my own imagined shit.

On Saturday a psychic told me to stop arguing with myself, to not dwell on anything, to go with the flow, and to let it go. She said that all the prosperity I've been grinding for and hoping for will finally come to me if I can live out those rules. Boy is it hard. Right at 2 am last night, I started to argue with myself. And honestly, I don't know which part of the argument came first and who I was supposed to listen to. At 2 am, I went home with my long time friend, J. For years, you could have cut the sexual tension between us with a machete and I haven't had sex in nearly a month so I just wanted to. But as soon as things started happening I started worrying about waking up early and Susan and being in a stranger's bed and etc etc. Should I have just gone home? I'm glad the situation happened though.

But here's the thing: I had this horrible nightmare in the two hours of sleep I was able to get where I'd just had sex with J and then I woke up and I was at my friend M's apartment and it was his even though it still looked like J's place. So I had sex with him. Then I woke up again and I was in the apartment of the boy who ghosted me even though it looked the very same down to the last splash of light from a bare bulb. UGGGGH, I really really liked him (and still feel a tingle about it) but when I was having dream sex with him it was awful and I felt so guilty and dirty.

Here's the thing. I ruined my chance with this guy, I'll call him C. And, just like all my dearest friends predicted, I did it by having sex with him. Last night, I finally got a chance to talk to him, on account of his bravery not mine, instead of passive aggressively writing about him. He told me he'd read my blog post and felt badly about how he handled the situation. But, he also told me that when he said the sex, what he was trying to say was that he hadn't wanted to be intimate yet and that he wasn't really the kind of dude that just has sex with whoever. What's hilarious and troubling is that I'd been pretty resolved to not have sex with him that night but I thought for some reason (social conditioning?) that he'd slip away forever if I didn't. He was even throwing off signals that he wasn't ready and I translated those as he was too nervous and "needed me to help him out." Dear god.

I get that I'm not the only one at fault in that situation. He sorta let me embarrass myself because C wasn't open about his feelings or expectations. But sheesh. I always pin sex on myself and feel responsible to either have it or responsible for the repercussions because I did. What everyone keeps telling me--to not have sex for a minute is likely the right move and I'm trying like hell not to argue with myself about it.

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