I'm seeing something happen to me. It's taken a while but it's finally happening: I know what I want, what my priorities are. Usually, my motivations are kinda murky or hidden in the "fame" agenda that I have, like I'm casting so many nets at once that I can't even pinpoint why or how I'm doing what I'm doing beyond simply the hope that they'll grow into opportunities. But right now, it's mostly clear.
There's one thing that keeps getting in the way though and that's my drive to find a relationship. So I have to figure out how to factor this drive into my list of priorities because it's not really something I'm keen to let go of. But, I've been in this swirling vortex where I think I'd rather settle down with someone even if the vibe isn't totally spot on because that little shot at stability looks so nice from the distance. Trying to figure it out through trial and error without hurting anyone and that's difficult. Not there yet. But, I am at a place where I can say that finding a relationship/dating is pretty low on my list of priorities--which I'll explain further in a minute.
1st and foremost, my number one priority is making sure that the people I love and care about know I love and care about them. I want to be emotionally available to my friends and family and whoever I date as much as I can be within reason and while still engaging in self-care.
Second is my job. I really love my work and my coworkers and I believe in what we're doing. I've been given the time and money to execute some awesome community work and that feels big and important.
Third is helping out Robert and Caitlin Negron of Indy Convergence. Everything they are doing is something I believe in with my whole heart and what I've been trying to engage in for a long long time.
Fourth is my personal hobbies including aerial arts, contortion, poetry, music, and reading detective novels. This is my self-care. Whether I'm tumbling through the silks, writing a Twolips song, seeing an amazing show randomly on a Monday night, or diving into some Icelandic murder, I'm doing those things to take care of myself and make sure I'm being the best person I can be for my top three priorities. But, the vortex I mentioned earlier is mostly due to the fact that I've been trying to date someone and then neglecting my personal hobbies. I need to strike a better balance here.
I also need to say NO to things more often. Granted, I've gotten a lot better in the last few months but I still struggle with FOMO. I want to go to every show, every party, every rehearsal, every bar, etc etc. But, I can't. If I did, I'd be a bad dog mom--thank God for Susan keeping me honest--and I'd be tired all the time just like I was the first few months in Indy.
In part, I'm writing this blog post to keep myself accountable but to also share with my readers how my priorities shape up. I'm sorry I can't be at every party but now you know I want to be. I'm sorry I can't kiss every girl and every boy but now you know I want to. I'm sorry I can't write to you more often, but now you know I want to.