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A few nights ago, I crashed on my pink chaise lounge and re-read journals from nearly ten years ago. While it's deliciously nostalgic to do something like that, it's also a little surreal to see who I thought I'd be in 10 years. I definitely thought I'd be married, lol. Other than that, I mostly wrote about boys and sex and my dreams. All of this navel gazing got me dwelling on more navel gazing. I started asking myself this: Who am I going to be 10 years from the present? And, more importantly, what if I don't like her?

You might say, hey Elysia, you're fine. You're doing ok. And while that's true, I worry about my negative qualities consuming my positive ones. Life is a balancing act right? But I've got myself on tenterhooks. For example, I'm a little fame hungry. My friend Gregory used to joke whenever I planned and hosted an event, that it was, "Elysia Smith presents: Elysia Smith!" Of course, I have rules there to keep myself in check. I don't usually perform at my own events beyond emceeing and if I can manage it, I try to pay performers. My events are geared towards visibility for artists and musicians and my company as well as serving the underserved. But, that doesn't mean I haven't had narcissistic thoughts or made over-zealous mistakes trying to claw towards celebrity.

I also have a problem with being really petty. I have to constantly put myself in check. If I'm trying to navigate reacting to something stressful, my knee jerk move is to do or say something very very petty. While it's cathartic to react first and respond later, I've burned a bridge or two by just being a petty asshole and letting my feelings guide my mouth.

My other big thing is having a savior complex. Sometimes my "helping" comes more from a place of wanting people to recognize me as a hero or something and isn't genuine. This might not negate the value of the "help" but it does make me a little skeevy.

If we're going by all these worst of the worst implications, I'm going to grow up to be Angelina Jolie.

Instead, I'd like to focus and harness those more positive personality traits: like perseverance. I'm pretty good at seeing things all the way to their conclusion even if I'm getting frustrated along the way. I also have a fair amount of endurance. I'm good with people, pretty good at story telling, and mostly truthful.

It's all about finding a way to merge these two disparate versions of myself. Whenever I turn into Elysia "the Monster," I like disassociate. I float over myself doing and saying asshole things. If I could tether myself more to those negative experiences and think more about their consequences instead of reacting in my usual, petty, "fuck it," way, I believe I could find a way to better direct myself. Part of writing this blog is navigating emotional crap like this so thanks for putting up with my esoteric, self-centered, ramblings. xox

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