IF Y'R OLD DONT READ THIS VALENTINES DAY POST
Sex in Cars With Boys
//
My newest single is
having sex in cars
with boys especially
in parking lots behind
bars. It's not that
I'm short changing
the experience just
that I'm living with
my parents and so
was this one guy. How
many lovers on days
like Feb 14th call
their sisters asking
for advice? My sis
rang and I told her
this poem and then
I explained how human
hearts are the dirtiest
thing in the dictionary
and if you don't love
the smell of your own
shit you can't love
someone else's.
Here's a juicy piece for readers who actually want to be here. Even though I deleted my tindr account days after activating, I'm still seeing one nice dude I met on the interweb. We're not serious because being serious is for losers. I kid but actually, we've talked about it and he's busy helping his parents and I'm making the move into a new city and pretty much my first solid attempt at the farce of adulthood. Plus I don't want to date anyone more than just casually less than a month after ending a relationship that meant a lot to me and that I am still processing.
But here's where the meat comes in. I'm thinking a lot about love and I figure you all are too. And so's my lovely twin and we just had a talk that reminded me one of the most important lessons on love I've learned. Basically, you already know that you have to "love the mess" or lose the rest right? Well, as a person who tries to help/take care of/etc those around me, it was always very difficult to not offer help to partners. Granted, I've often just silently carried their emotions around and then resented them for it (oops). Yet, in talking with my sis I thought when we who love try and help, isn't it a little bit selfish?
Like I used to use the word "homeostasis" a lot when talking about previous relationships, "I just want to reach homeostasis" a level field, find some balance etc etc. But that's just doublespeak for: I want you to be happy so you can start making me happy. I want to take your burdens away and put them in the junk drawer in the kitchen so we can finally have some fucking peace, you fucking mess. What I mean is, I didn't know how to deal with my problems, so I offered to bury everyone else's so everything could be quiet and safe. As quiet and safe as the fake flower section of a Jo-Ann's.
When we're saturated with this love stuff, it's hard to let go of the pressure to show love and accept love but stop it. Show and accept love on your own terms when you're ready and in the meantime listening is quiet enough.