Let me make something clear. I hate sharing my feelings so much I wrote a poem about it. It might not seem that way because I can talk about my insides in these blogposts, but what I mean is crying. What I mean is "weakness." This morning I had a crying jag. I immediately felt better afterward--I often forget that crying is a healthy release despite how weak it makes me feel. The reason I'm feeling emotional lately is I'm at work on a huge idea and I've got a big anxiety spiral about getting it out of me and into the world. It's not a thing in the same way that the shop was already a thing when I started working at it. For those of you who don't know, I'm building a creative co-op out of the space at the shop. It began as a dream to better maximize the space. More than anything I want the shop to feel busy and useful. I love the bustle of a well appreciated creative hangout. But, now it's growing legs and arms and I'm going to have to cede control of the vision to those I'm engaging to help organize and to those who will ultimately make use of the space.
This morning, I cried, "Why am I like this? Why am I like this?" because just when things start to reach a reasonable pace and I feel like I have a handle on the everyday cogs of an endeavor, I add some new complication or pursue a new project. I like to think I'm just on a trajectory you know. I don't think I'll really settle into what "I" want to do until I do enough for the world around me. Call it altruistic, call it a humanitarian impulse, call it whatever you want. It's a manic must do. When I'm done, I'll retire to the woods to write horror novels and die quietly.
Building the co-op sometimes means that other things slip. Before I started putting my entirety into getting this idea off the ground, I was pricing and filing around 100-150 records a week. Now, I'm down to 40 if that. It's also just generally
really difficult to keep up with the vinyl. What people don't tend to realize is that in order to really appease Ye Olde Vinyl Heads you have to make records a full time job like Rick did. It's hard sometimes to keep in mind that what I'm doing with this shop is entirely different than what he did and that I don't need to draw these comparisons. But, I do have a legacy audience to keep in mind. Last year, we sustained ourselves off of that audience. This year, we're building a new audience.
By sharing my platform and helping others find more resources and tools for their art and ideas, I hope to be able to buy myself time to actually practice my own art. That is the only goal of operating this business and running the co-op. I'm not interested in making money or clout off of the backs of the people I serve. I'll use the time I've bought by building something useful for my peers wisely instead.