ON BEING ALMOST (BUT NOT QUITE) THERE

September 17, 2019

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The short and short of it is if I didn't have so many other GREAT qualities, I might have some patience. But, because I'm slammed with other nice things, I lack it. I lack it so hard. Here I am, mourning my ability to wait while I panic about the shop. We've discussed this as it relates to my personal relationships. I'm a chronic gun jumper. I tend to move quickly when I feel feelings. With the shop that's impossible. I have to feel. I have to stand in the space I'm creating and realize I'm still creating it. 

 

The problem is, I just have so many ideas. Kelsey can attest to this. We tend to share 45 minutes of mania a week when our shifts cross over and we just spout ideas to each other until we're blue in the face and K has to leave. But, we're streamlining. We spent the majority of today doing projects we've been discussing for a few months and it feels better. But, it's still not what I want.

 

When I check in with my astrology for the year, it points out that I'm rushing. That I'm not letting things unfold in my professional career. In part I blame it on the quick change transition I made with the shop last year. I had no idea what I was doing and I did it and now I've been slowly figuring it out and things are beginning to form edges, to connect, to make sense, and I WANT IT ALL DONE NOW. We're starting to become this hub and I want it to hub out so hard that people are always hanging. They use the space. They benefit from the space. And we're reaping rewards by providing those unique benefits. 

 

K and I think of ourselves as historians. We obsess over things. She's a paper hoarder. I hoard wax. The shop is our baby and it's a way we share ourselves. Part of that means sharing what matters. We plan to start a series where we do write ups on the inventory. There's so much neat stuff, it's just that at this point, there's SO MUCH that it's hard to weed through. We're hoping that our efforts to organize and catalogue will help people find what they want/can't live without. It's one piece at a time.

 

In the future, I want to offer more services to zinesters, writers, and musicians in our city. But patience. That's where this comes in. The stuff we're/ I am figuring out is imperceptible to the people outside of my mind. The important thing, though, is that I continue to figure it out. Even on days when the shop feels like the biggest bad decision I've ever made, I try to find one small way to move forward. Because, when I'm sweeping up and changing trash bags at the end of the night, I can't help but think: I made this. & I love it. 

 

I don't think I'd have been happy doing anything other than working for myself. As hard as everything is. As tumultuous as everything can be. I'm here. And I'm so glad to be. 

 

xxxx

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Vulgar, bike riding, record slinging, book reading poet with a passion for pool and the Midwest. 

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