BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

July 29, 2019

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Today I'm writing you from Boston. A little over a year ago, I was here making bank accounts for the shop and figuring out basic accounting software. I remember calling my friend Joe from Darwin's and having him walk me through Quickbooks. What a big HA! Time is such an unruly thing and I no longer feel the same person who walked through Cambridge on a cloud of what ifs. Now there are so many more things at stake. 

 

I've learned how to draw boundaries that help me achieve. That make success possible. But that doesn't mean it's easy. In fact, I think it's harder than anything I've ever had to do. The shop is the one thing for me. Everything else has to come second and while I think most of you have begun to understand, there are still boundaries to set. It's every day. It's crucial self-care.

 

What's boggling me the most now, is failure. I want to be transparent about how much the fear of failure affects me. I was talking on Friday to my friend Juan during a surreal ESL teacher reunion at this bar we used to crash in Dorchester and together, we realized that more than anything, we're afraid of people seeing us fail. People who always thought we would--specifically. Juan is in a PHD program. He's a Columbian immigrant; he's not supposed to make it. I'm a twenty-something femme entrepreneur in BFE Indiana trying to make money with art and community. So many people have talked down to us over the course of the last years and while I'm one to definitely NEED the struggle bus (or else I'm not achieving) it's not always possible to tune out the haters. 

 

What helps balance things again is a support system. Without mine, I wouldn't be here today, still worrying about the shop's success. The shop would be dead and I'd be worrying about doing well enough for someone else's dream. Thank you so much to all the people who've turned up and provided a smile, a pair of helping hands, a resource, a connection, a cheeseburger, a smoke, etc etc etc. Thanks to those who gave time and who continue to. I need you all so much and I admit it LOUDLY. I've realized that I can't make something for us all to share in a vacuum. How will I even know what other people want? Asking for help is not a strong suit but I'm glad I'm growing enough to do better at that. Wrapping up this mercury retrograde, I wanted to take a moment first for thanks and also to note every change and struggle I've seen the other side of. I have seen the other side. And I will continue to do so with my head down and my shoulder to the grindstone. I will continue thanking you. I will continue asking you to hold applause. I'm not done yet. You'll know when to clap, I promise. 

 

 

xxxx

 Thanks to The Local Radish for the image. Check her out on FB and IG.

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Vulgar, bike riding, record slinging, book reading poet with a passion for pool and the Midwest. 

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