TIME TO STOP GIVING MYSELF SO MUCH GRIEF

May 21, 2019

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I saw a quote today from Lucille Clifton. It said, "the question for you is/ what have you ever traveled toward/ more than your own safety?" This struck me because lately I feel like I'm traveling more and more rapidly towards my own death. I don't believe in safety. From a young age, everything I thought was safe turned out not to be. I bet a lot of us have felt that way. Safe friend, safe home, safe parents, safe school (now so much so), etc. It's all not so safe right? But, being a person of extremes, the opposing option is hurtling like a laundry basket thrown by my mother, tearing through time until I get hit by a bus or trip into an open chasm. 

 

 

 

This is not to say I have thoughts of my death, but rather that my life is moving so quickly that I can't even stop to consider it, let alone smell the roses. I used to joke that opening the shop was a lot of making decisions with my eyes closed. Welp, it's not getting much better. The other day I said, "I prefer to throw spaghetti at the wall," and I don't know if prefer is right. Instead, how about, "I throw spaghetti at the wall because it's the only thing I've got right now."

 

But. that takes a lot of energy. What works, what doesn't work? What's safe? Well, at least we've answered that one. Nothing is safe and the only absolute is death. Sorry boutcha. I saw another quote and I don't remember who spit this so if it was you, lemme give you cred. It was something like, "Life is hard," people say, and I say, "As opposed to what?" Of course life is hard. We don't even know what it truly is. We don't know why we're spinning around on this rock and if anything that we're doing will ever make any sort of lasting impact. My friends, my friends. We aren't doing this for lasting impact. Or maybe at least not on the scale we can comprehend. It's ripples. It's I do this small thing to improve the lives of a few people and in turn they pay that positive energy forward. 

 

I try to remind myself this and even as I type this blog it's a reminder. I think I've said this before. But it's so crucial to give grace. To assume positive intent. Not everyone is out to wreck the jenga tower you've worked so hard to build. I need to learn this as much as the next person. But when you work and work and work and time's moving so fast that you can't even comprehend the leaps you're making, any little turbulence can feel catastrophic. I've had quite a few instances in the last weeks where I lost my shit, forgot completely about positive intent, and dove head first into worst-case-scenario planning (and crying). Turns out, for me, this behavior is stress related. The less time I'm taking for my own brain and emotional needs, the more likely it is, I'll freak the heck out. 

 

HOWEVER> for me, this has all translated to: as much as we need to assume positive intent from others before trying to deconstruct their motives, it's necessary to give the same leniency for yourself. I am giving myself grace and not grief this week. I'm writing this from Dorman street but at least I'm writing. Gonna poem now. Peace. 

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Vulgar, bike riding, record slinging, book reading poet with a passion for pool and the Midwest. 

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