Today, I'm exhausted. I only had two alcohols last night (not a lot for me) but the pours were heavy--can we talk about how bartenders think they're doing you a favor with a heavy pour but dude. I didn't come here to get wasted, I came to catch a buzz, relax, and flirt with girls--anyways, the pours were H E A V Y and now I feel the outside edge of a hangover. My dreams this week have been too vivid as well, the hollow you out, need-to-deal-with-that-subconscious kind. So sleep has already been hard. Not to mention, tomorrow I move into my new house. I'm supposed to have been packing but mostly I'm avoiding my old house because every time I try to do anything there, it feels like I'm entering a fugue state. Essentially, this is all just to say I'm highly irritable today. But along with that, I'm processing a lot?
When I say camping, I mean when you're in the middle of a transition and you stop doing the things you need to do for the old you because you're too excited for the new you. I've been sleeping next to a pile of candles because I haven't put them in a box yet. I didn't buy any groceries last week and just ate cheeseburgers, that kind of thing. Because I'm about to move--into my first house alone--something I've been wanting for a long time but never had the financial stability to attempt, I'm also feeling stagnant. This is another way of saying I'm so impatient for this change that I'm suspended in the waiting. I'm not doing all the things I need to be doing because I'm so eaten up with just waiting. Just waiting until I am not picturing myself in my new life but truly living it.
I hate not doing. I am more than anything a "doer." Because I'm not "doing" things the way I usually am, I've decided to write you all. Maybe in this, I'll feel less guilty. So while this blog post might have started with some intention of complaining about sleeping next to candles etc, it's also just going to be a ramble. Here's a list of things I've been thinking/talking about a lot lately. If you want to talk about these things too, let me know.
1. How to engage in Ethical Capitalism: is there such a thing?
So, my definition for what "ethical capitalism" means is that in order to have a healthy and stable economy, the business owners of the world need to do more to lift up and provide access for consumers. If people don't have access to the tools they need in order to do whatever it is that will make them successful, things like education, computers, cars, etc, then they won't have money to consume. If you as the business owner help create access by giving back to the community in some way, you are helping consumers consume in a sustainable, ethical way.
2. Romance of course.
Sitting at the shop has resulted in several people gravitating towards me. The dilemma of the shop girl. I've been talking to my friend Nyla who works across the street at the coffee shop a lot about how when people see us, "bookstore girl" and "barista girl," they must imagine our lives to be pretty romantic and maybe that's why they crush? I also think it has something to do with projection. When I'm sitting here at the desk, I'm a vessel for any joe schmoe/josephine smoesephine to fill. I'm "a great listener," "gentle," "kind." But in reality I'm like, if you talk to me for longer than 20 minutes and don't buy something wtf?
3. Learning in Traumatic Situations: and my big ex.
Today, my friend Di and I were talking about her complicated relationship with her husband. When I asked her why she stays with someone who makes her feel like she's shrinking, who's mean to her, she said, "It's because I feel like I have a lot of lessons to learn from this marriage." I relate. Despite being in a toxic relationship with my big ex, I learned so much! I think before I met her, I was very eager to please others, so much so that I was almost never honest about my feelings. Also, in romantic relationships, I was obsessed with having a "perfect" partnership to the outside world and I couldn't handle any conflict even if it was conflict that creates forward movement. Despite the trauma of that relationship, I still appreciate my big ex because I value that she recognized issues in my world view and wasn't afraid to bring them to my attention. So many of the people I'm encountering in the dating world either put me up on this outrageous pedestal or criticize me because I don't do things the "way they would," rather than working with me to analyze things, myself, life, whatever.
4. Friendship: I think I'm no longer friends with one of my closest friends and it's wild.
Has anyone else had a friend break-up that you couldn't quite believe? One of my very closest friends and I got into an argument about a month and a half ago and still haven't talked about it. About once a week, I feel guilty for not reaching out to her. But, then I remember that I do feel really strongly about what happened between us and that despite how easy it would be to brush it off and "go back to the way things were," I can't allow myself to do so. I am often the person that smoothes over differences for the sake of everything just being "easy." It's the most libra thing about me. But in this case, in this most important of friendships, I refuse to not speak my truth (gack I'm sorry I used such a cliche, but honest). Our disagreement had to do with the shop and it too is an incredibly important relationship for me. Me pursuing the shop is me pursuing a relationship with myself, pushing the limits of what I'm capable of, and frankly, working the hardest I've ever worked. I will defend this with everything I have because it is everything I have. Understand that or go. And peace be with you when you do.