I've been listening to Girlpool's song Chinatown a lot recently because it was really plucking an emotional string for me and I didn't realize until this morning what the relevance was. While flying down the Pleasant Run bike path I heard the lyric you see listed as the title of this blog, "Do you feel restless when you realize you're alive?" This particular sentiment struck me because my life has been a real whirlwind lately and I'm torn between throwing myself into the swirling cloud or clinging to my bed for dear life. I'm feeling so alive I wish I were dead. Does that make sense? Everywhere I turn, someone wants something from me right now and lowkey I want a lot of myself as well and that's just plain exhausting.
Let me breakdown my typical day right now. 7-8 am I read a book because self-care is important. After I get ready for work I head in around 9 or so, from there I write until about 2, then I eat lunch, and go to the shop until 7 or 8. That's about 12 hours of go go go. On top of that, I'm still running 1-2 events a week. Which means on those days, at 6:30, I have to go back into the office and set up/host until upwards of 9 pm. I'm dragging. I'm drinking. I'm forgetting small details. I recently made a post on FB about how if you've been trying to get a hold of me, I'm s o r r y.
It's not a permanent state. I'm already making moves to free up my time. Unfortunately--although I expected to make it work a lot longer, I've had to scale back my time at Metonymy. While I still currently work for them and will continue in a small capacity to write content for them, I'll no longer be running The Green Room and will instead by ushering most of those events into my space at Irvington Vinyl & Books. I'll have a better sense of that calendar here in the next few weeks and will keep you all posted.
Another update. For those of you who've been reading along, you already know I have insane food allergies. Well after a middle of the fainting spell and a trip to Urgent Care, I discovered that my pancreas is kind of whack. I'm not sure if my food allergies have anything to do with this but I wouldn't be surprised if my sudden dietary changes have been a trigger. After a battery of blood tests the doctor told me that not only am I pre-diabetic and 1 percent away from a diabetes diagnosis, I'm also prone to hypoglycemia. My insulin levels are all over the place. Essentially, this means I have to watch what I eat even more. I'm already eating mostly fruits, veggies, and fish and now I have to nearly eliminate grains and scale back my drinking. Passing out and feeling nauseous all the time is not worth all the donuts, sourdough bread, and wine in the world--something I never thought I'd say.
What's really frustrating is that I'm so ready to go go go. I like things to be this chaotic and intense. I am more than ready to dive into running the shop. But, it's going to be another dynamic lifestyle change that requires time and space. Once I establish a routine and start to understand better how my energy is affected by what I eat and when I eat, I'll loosen up. I promise if you aren't hearing form me, it isn't because I don't love you. It's because I'm either moving furniture, sorting books and records, writing content, hosting an event, or dramatically eating cold chicken out of the fridge like a rat in the night.
Love you all.