ON CONTROL
I am a control freak. Here's a fun fact, every time I drive in the car with anyone, I secretly brake from the passenger seat. I mean, I pantomime braking because I hate the way you do it and I wish I was doing it instead. It doesn't matter who you are. If you've driven me anywhere, I do it. As much as I'm a control freak, I'm also fairly good at passing myself off as easy going. Many of you might feel shocked right now. You might be swooning, holding your hand to your heart, saying, "well I never," in a Southern grandma voice. It's ok. This post is feeling cathartic and it's about time you all know.
Things I hate in no particular order:
Anyone telling me what to do. No matter if you're right.
People trying to teach me things.
Books that aren't up to interpretation.
Statistics.
Old people.
"Fact."
Rules.
& Recipes.
However, I also hate standing out too much in any which direction, because there's less power there. I crave power. I'm not going to advocate for killing all old people because most of you won't like me anymore because you love your grandparents. Also, I know people have lived valuable experiences and have things to teach me so I break my own rules or maybe just bend them and I learn a little bit here and there and I've yet to punch any old people.
You might think, "you are a monster, Elysia." And, in a way you're right. But so are you and so are you. We all have idealized archetypes of how things SHOULD go and who people SHOULD be and maybe we just aren't thinking about how they affect our daily lives. Because I'm so control adverse, I think about what triggers me constantly and I have to reevaluate my archetypes constantly to exist confidently and comfortably in this world. I'm glad of it.
But, my control drama gets me in other types of predicaments too. For example, I think I feel a huge burden in trying to control everything all the time. I think it's exhausting and it's part of why I drink so much and part of why I hate how I have to slow down and eat when my body tells me to. It's also part of why I date very very controlling people and like to be choked in the sack (TMI? Who cares?). When someone makes decisions for me and tells me what to do, I have one less thing I need to manipulate. It's a little addicting. Also, the symptoms of a controlling person can be very deceiving. My most controlling exes were incredibly smart (= sexy AF), charismatic, funny, and wise. They seemed to dominate a room with their powerful personal energy anytime they entered a new sphere. I like people like that because in part, I want to be that way too. But ultimately, those types of people are black holes. They're enchanting because we feel their need. But as we feed them, they grow bigger and bigger and go from biting the hand that feeds to swallowing it hole, making it a part of them and that magnanimous energy.
In those relationships, I've entirely lost my sense of self. This most recent one being the extreme. Coming out of it was devastating. I remember having the thought, "How do I make friends now?" I'm gregarious and loud and I love people and that was all lost to me. I was clinging to the shell of myself, caught somewhere in my own rib cage. Coming out of that took an insane amount of energy, an insane amount of hangovers, and I'm still struggling. Right now, I feel in control again. So much so that I'm thinking about it constantly. So much so that I'm writing this post. I'm feeling a little swept off my feet lately by this new beau and I fear them altering any part of my life or my self. But I also feel something new and living and exciting under my skin every time we touch.
All of this felt so important to tell you today. I encourage you in the wake of this new moon to reveal something to someone, to yourself, to the world. The environment is right for it and you are right for it.
xxx
-E