This retrograde has me coming face to face with my insecurities a hecking lot, and right now I should be sleeping because so much prep for the show tomorrow. Instead, I'm going to free write my thoughts about feeling insecure. Maybe then I'll sleep. There are some ants in my pants about my work load lately and this type of unburdening seems better than like throwing up and crying simultaneously in public.
I'm insecure about a lot of things. Most people are and you basically shouldn't trust the people that claim they aren't insecure--think Patrick Bateman. What you should do instead, or what I'm trying to think about is what triggers my insecurity and, how can I stop "reacting?" Tonight was one of those triggering nights.
I had a show to hang and I was tired--like dragging but deliriously upbeat? Idk. After a friend bailed on helping me out, a girl I've been seeing casually asked if she could swing by and bring me dinner. I was so grateful for the food and company that I snapped the opportunity up without thinking about the strings attached. Not that there were, right? That's presumptuous here too. The point is, I've been freaking out over seeing her because I think I want to date women but it feels too close to maybe the real thing (as I tend to partner with women) and I've been so enjoying her, still, each time it gets even slightly romantic, I panic.
Tonight she called me out on it, and I garbled some google dee doo at her that I'm pretty sure was just a projection of all my insecurities about dating and past relationships etc etc. It was crude and weird and I feel bad about it. When I finally got home, I just kept thinking: If I only knew just one thing about myself! Ugh. I audibly huffed you know. Still, don't I know things about myself? I'm trying all the time. But it just feels like climbing honey.
I'm insecure about work. I feel like I can't keep up with the image I throw off.
I'm insecure about relationships. I feel like I lose my sense of self immediately and then resent the person I'm dating for doing something "to me" I actually did to myself.
I'm insecure about friendships. I wonder if sometimes I'm friends with people because I use them to get something I need for my career or whatever.
These are changeable things. & they are things I want to talk about or I wouldn't be writing about them. People always act strangely when they admit they read my blog. Like who the hell am I writing it for? Of course I want you to read it. I want you to ask questions or talk or share your own stories. Being honest and genuine in real life 24/7 is a difficult task and we all fuck up. Some of us more than others. And some people will never care. But thank god for writing because I'm not afraid to think on the page. I can pause here and find a little stillness and share a moment with you where maybe I grew or maybe I just carved another totem of myself and put it on the internet.
Sleep sweet dear readers. I'm gonna try it myself.