My horoscope told me today that I was entering a new cycle to last until November where I'm SUPPOSED to be gaining more "insight into my internal processes, reasoning, and emotions." Wouldn't that be nice? Does the wind just sweep in, tousle my hair a bit, and then all the sudden I understand why I make bad decisions, feel exuberant one minute and despondent the next, and why sometimes I'm bursting with confidence and other times I want to curl up and hide under my bed with Susan?
I've always had a thing for astrology but I've been SUPPOSED to figure things out for a while now. It's almost like every new "cycle" I enter this year is meant to guide my learning towards who I am and why I do what I do. But, I still feel suspended between a smattering of selves.
Let me back up and explain a few things. My last serious relationship flattened me. Anyone who met me back when I was tearing up Muncie, or even the early Boston days would have probably thought I'd been taken over by a body snatcher if they'd seen me this time last year. I didn't sing, I was flighty, flaky, confused, nervous, and overwhelmed. Now that I'm no longer burdened by that relationship, one would think I'd be able to grow through this stuff. But no. As it turns out, I'm doing the same things I did when I broke up with my very first serious girlfriend.
After I made the move to Indy almost five months ago, I began dating around immediately. Which, if you keep up with this blog, you'll have read about these various sexcapades. For the first two months, I was exhausted everyday. I had a really difficult time saying No to friends and events and all the things I felt I'd been saying No to during my relationship with L. It was a torrent, an inundated return to self-hood. I made similar choices when I was 19 and had my heart smashed for the first time. It feels like I've shed something and the person underneath is the same and different.
The unfortunate side effect of this shedding is that I become intensely selfish. Last time around, I cheated on a great person who really cared about me. Then I continued to date around, making it a point to sleep with as many "straight" girls as possible. It was during this time that I committed one of my top ten most atrocious actions: taking the first kiss and the virginity of a girl who deserved so much better and then not giving a shit when she fell hard and fast for my fuckery.
Although I have grown up a bit, and I understand boundaries more now, I'm still struggling with that selfishness. I'm trying to spend more time alone, writing, thinking, and taking care of myself. I've been doing aerials again, teaching, leading poetry workshops, singing, and hanging with Susan, but I'm still trying to see myself in other people's eyes rather than my own. I'm making decisions based on what people think of me rather than what I want of myself. And, I'm not giving myself enough time and space to change this.
Now that my book is in its final stages, I'm starting to think about next steps, the next book, the next big thing. Even though this astrological notion of a "cycle" meant to help this process along seems frustratingly impossible, I will be making it a point to spend more time with Elysia. Writing for this blog has truly helped and with the whirlwind of the last months, I've been slacking. So, expect to hear more from me as I puzzle this out.
Thanks, dear readers, for sticking it out <3