It’s a thing and a dangerous thing at that. Of course, you don’t have to be a girl to have Girl Brain, so let me break it down further. Basically, when you first start seeing someone and you have the chemistry and everything feels exciting and then your brain starts freaking out, thinking things like, if he/she doesn’t like The Temptations how can we ever get married, because I will definitely have The Temptations on the playlist of my wedding—stuff like that. Crazy stuff. I’ve gone the whole gauntlet myself, once I caught myself thinking damn, if I accidentally get pregnant by this one, I'll have to keep the baby because it will possibly be TOO CUTE to abort! What in the hell? Like when my Girl Brain comes on full force, I can’t do normal things. I just sit around thinking, he/she won’t want to go out with me ever again because of the way I blew my nose at the table during dinner, or because I talked about wanting to be spanked or what have you. The thing about Girl Brain is: it comes on suddenly, it comes on strong, and it comes on early. So, you have to be wary about following any trains out of Girl Brain to action.
*a pic captured of me by a my good buddy, Thang at Hoca Studio. ie. Me having Girl Brain*
I am struggling at the Girl Brain station and on the one hand, I’m excited that I’m feeling excited but I’m also so super annoyed. Just when I start to get my life together, Girl Brain puts all her irons in the fire and confuses everything. While I am looking for a bit of advice here, I’m also going to take a brief moment to note the awesome epiphany I had this weekend about my career path. I’m right on schedule. Like I used to get pissed at myself constantly because I felt like I wasn’t at the level I “deserved” to be at. What a self-entitled thought. But seriously, I’ve taken a path. I went to college, I decided my passion early, I got into an MFA, I’ve been published, I’m in a band again, I’m working as writer, living in a place I like. But, what is it I think I deserve? And what does it mean to deserve? I’m not even sure what I want beyond recognition.
Let me shift this back to relationships now. I don’t even know what I want there beyond recognition/desire. Are those the same thing? I want the people I like to like me back but not just like me, crave me. And then, let me reject their bids for my time until I’m ready to hang. Or basically, let me hang all over them until I want to go home and never ever complain. That’s maniacal. I am a maniac. This I have known for a while but how to push it down or tame it or put a dress on it so it can leave the house and go to work? The above is also mania, the obsession with return on my educational and career investments. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I’m like a fucking shark. If I stop moving, I’m pretty sure I’ll die. I’m trying to write about this tendency so I can work harder on forgiving myself when I want to slow down and do nothing. But, I suppose I should also forgive myself for Girl Brain every once in a while too, huh?